Most of my friends know my fondness for break dancing, in particular, popping. I’m not very good, but I have my signature “robot arm spin” move, and can moonwalk/float moderately well. I also am one of those people that went to see “You Got Served” in the theater. Even with Viral videos of David “Elsewhere” being seen by millions of people, it’s still a relatively underground art form.

So when Robert Muraine (aka Mr. Fantastic) showed up on the TV Show “So You Think You Can Dance”, I was shocked. Not just at how creative and brilliant this kid is, but at the judges’ reactions as well. Somebody give this guy some money. Now.

Watch him totally kill it in the video audition…

Recently, my family and I visited a pretty nice corner of Florida – the southeastern coastal area of Deerfield Beach and Boca Raton. The area was clean, I was off work, and the beach with some crazy-sized waves was literally about 100 yards from my bed. Over the course of the week, it became fairly commonplace to wake up, eat, walk to the beach, get pummeled by waves taller than me for a couple hours, stumble home, eat, sleep, repeat.

The beach area we were near was pretty nice in that it was not completely overwhelmed by people. Even the popular spots were relatively low key, when compared to some of the more suave beaches in Florida. However, that very laid back attitude that was so prevalent on the beaches was equalized by the fact that Boca Raton may in fact be one of the snootiest place I have ever personally been – and I have driven through Connecticut!

The scene was like this:

It’s evening time and everyone is starved. We don’t know where we want to go (as usual), and we don’t have any real idea in which direction we should travel (as usual), so we just start driving to see what shows up.

Oh there’s a nice pizza place. I like the architecture (Boca has some decent snooty architecture). Oh wait it has valet parking. Well I don’t wanna do that. Me neither. That’s so awkward isn’t it? I don’t know. Don’t you have to tip them? I think so. Yeah, let’s just keep driving.

Driving.

Oh hey I could go for sandwich. That place looks like it gets a decent amount of business. Yeah let’s – wait a second… It’s got valet parking too…?

Driving.

Oh, a Taco Bell! Let’s just stop and eat because I’m about to crack. Me too… What is that guy doing standing out in front of it? He’s parking cars.

Boca Raton must have taken way too many snooty pills for its own good. I have never seen so many valet parking only establishments. I am not embellishing the following two stories:

We stopped at one restaurant, even though we knew it was valet parking, just because we wanted to look at the menu. The parking spots that were so securely guarded by the valet man-boy had ominous orange cones on them. There was no way anyone could get a car on those spots unless they first paid a pact with the parking dude. Here is the thing. The spots that the valet guy would be taking our car to were exactly 24 feet from front the door of the place and probably about 6 feet from where we would be “dropping off” our car. The man would get in, collect a tip, put the car in drive and make one 90 degree turn into the spot right next to him. When we would finish our meal, he would walk across the pavement, all 13 step’s worth and start up our car and then maybe back it up about 7 feet so that we could then get in, tip him, and drive off.

This is almost EVERYWHERE in Boca Raton. If it is not a chain restaurant, you better believe it is valet. Story number 2:

We went to see a movie. Pulled up and noticed the place – surprise – has valet parking. But this time we had a choice so we naturally chose to NOT use that service. We parked 2 aisles away from the theatre. Just 2. About 100 feet. Not far at all. We could not park any closer, since those spots had, like soldiers of the great roman army, orange cones.

When the movie was over, we walked out of the theatre and were astonished to see so many people at the front door waiting for their cars to be picked up. There was ONE dude there and about 15 car groups waiting. What did we do? We walked across the drop off pavement where the valet guy normally stands, and where now about 300 people stood waiting for their cars, across the first aisle where the cones used to be but now there were about 20 valet-parked cars (the owner’s of which we just passed and laughed at), and then another 10 feet to our car that was not valet-parked. We got in, turned the key in the ignition, and drove off, staring in amazement at the 550 turds who dropped off their cars with the one turd who was currently picking them all up. I would guess that it took us 35 seconds to leave. I would guess it would take them at least another 15-20 minutes.

Josh: (picks up large cell phone from the 80’s, dials 912) Hello, science?

Silence: …

Josh: Helloooo?

Silence: …

Josh: (realizing he dialed the wrong number, hangs up and dials 42) Hello, science?

Science: Ahoy! What can I help you with today?

Josh: I believe I have found conclusive proof that boys are indeed better than girls.

Science: Hey, that’s fantastic. Why don’t you come down to the office and fill out the official forms? If everything checks out, I’ll go ahead and make the worldwide announcement ASAP!

Josh: Cool, thanks.

Science: OK, then. Se–

Josh: (winding down) See you–

Both: (awkwardly wondering who should talk) Talk to you later.

Science: (hangs up)

Josh: Bye.

What science is currently looking over is a proposition, a scenario involving a man that isn’t necessarily me, using his bathroom, that isn’t necessarily my bathroom in my house. He walks into his bathroom and stands over his toilet to pee. Looking into the toilet, he notices something foreign. No, he is a responsible flusher and said foreign subject is not from a previous use.

This is a living thing. An insect. A spider. A black spider with a red tattoo of an hourglass on its thorax. Yes, a Black Widow, and one of mildly impressive size. It could probably straddle a 50 cent piece or completely hug a small strawberry.

So this arachnid is hanging out inside the toilet, almost under the rim and out of sight. If one were to simply enter the room with the toilet and have a seat, that person would likely not see the spider (who would then have access to your derriere and anywhere it may lead. But being able to point and aim urinary excretion allows one to bypass such an unfortunate happening. This also gives one the opportunity to knock a spider into the water of the toilet bowl, where it awaits being flushed into oblivion.

So boys are better than girls because they’ll never get bit by a black widow spider hiding inside the toilet seat while peeing (unless they pee sitting down). They’re also better because they can direct the stream to dispose of the spider.

So there you have it. While we wait for the official announcement, take a moment to think of what words of appreciation you’ll use to thank me for scaring you into sticking your head inside the toilet bowl any time you have to sit on it.

[Ed: For an explanation of the term tritch, see the Guide Entry following this post, or click here]

Hello, Four Two community, please welcome my first contribution to this site (it’s been a while in the making):

We all hate navigating through parking lots. Some of us hate it more than others. The struggle is having to fight with multitudes of selfish or mindless vehicles navigating to the most desirable 150 to 200 square feet sections of pavement between two white lines.

I personally have all but given up in striving for my own self-interest in this regard. It’s a hopeless struggle to say the least. I locate the first available space and settle for a mile walk of shame as I stroll past the privileged parkers to nearest store.

For those of you who still compete in this primitive display of self promotion I applaud your efforts. The only question I raise: How far would you go to get a good parking spot? This brings us to the title to my post. One member of our community may have taken this a little too far. Let me illustrate:

I met my good friend Mike (MJamus) at our local Olive Garden for lunch on Wednesday of this week. Mike prides himself on his innate ability to find the absolute BEST parking spots. I must admit he does have a knack for it. No one who knows him personally will deny it. He also prides himself in his Smart car which can fit into very small spaces. These two factors combined can produce the most shocking results.

The only real way to describe what happened is to demonstrate the pictorial evidence.

What might be considered shocking to some might be slightly less shocking to the rest of us. I just feel bad for the handicapped man that won’t be able to get into his car.

Hello cyberworld space!!! I am a blog media monkey! First blog post ever.

Here’s a little proof that being dishonest can save you cash - meanwhile giving people like me a reason to expose the punk that did the following thing:

So this morning went pretty well. I was running ahead of schedule by about 10 minutes which ain’t bad for a Friday. I avoided the increasingly annoying parking disaster that usually meets me on Friday at exactly 8:45 AM by arriving at my stop at 8:35 AM. More on that another time. As it was, running 10 minutes ahead, coupled with a fairly parched mouth meant that an oh-so-satisfying reward awaited me at the McDonald’s on home stretch. And by reward, I mean an 8″ tall styrofoam cup full of nature’s scalp-massaging rocket fuel, unsweetened iced tea. It’s only a buck ‘o six at most participating McDonald’s. And interestingly enough, that price is exactly what this post is all about.

I step off my truck and into the medium-sized queue, anxious to order my tea when I notice a woman standing off to the side with an armfull of breakfast foods and a cup holder with a few miscellaneous sodas. I figure she must have forgotten to order something since she had some change out and was looking in the general direction of the cashier, though she wasn’t precisely standing in either of the lines. I decided to let her jump in front of me, since I felt bad that she would have to go through that line again just for something she forgot to order.

She gets up to the cashier and in low tones mutters, “sweet iced tea please”.

She pays with a paper Washington, a copper Lincoln, and a metal Jefferson - buck ‘o six.

The cashier hands her an empty styrofoam cup and I order my tea next and also get an empty cup. I follow the lady over to the tea dispenser and find my eyes narrowing with suspicion as she places her cup under, not a tea dispenser, BUT a SODA DISPENSER! After filling her illegally purchased, tar-tainted cup with Powerade, she grabs a lid and heads out.

OK. Here are the facts. The iced tea cup is as big as a large drink at McDonalds. A large drink there typically costs, depending on region and franchise, about $1.69-$2.00. Iced tea is, say it with me, buck ‘o six. The candor and efficiency of the transaction made it clear, in hindsight, that she must do this regularly. Buy food to go, get back in line, buy “iced tea”. A supporting fact is that when you get your drinks to go at this McDonalds, they fill teh cups for you and so if she were to order a “sweet iced tea”, then that would be what her thieving self would get!

Closing thoughts; I guess this shouldn’t surprise me. I, for one, wouldn’t do it. There is a reason for the prices as they are set. It is obvious that an iced tea is cheap as anything since it is mostly water, which is why it only costs …. you know. My question is this: Is it worth it? Is the additional wait in line during the breakfast rush worth saving 69 - 86 cents? Has anyone else ever seen anything like this? I await your comments.